Üsküdar University Department of Sociology Dr. Lecturer Nihan Kalkandeler evaluated the social impact of marriages in which couples have no communication, no verbal or emotional connection.
Experts draw attention to the "silent marriages" in which the couples do not communicate with each other, the spouses do not feel strong bonds with each other, there is a feeling of boredom and loss of emotion, and are maintained only due to external and internal pressures. now the macro warns that it is evolving into a problem area. Dr. Nihan Kalkandeler said, “This evolution is spreading from one household to another with a contagion. Losing the need to be 'us', children's getting used to their new normal as 'single-parent' instead of aging in the family, brings along serious deviations and social anomies.” he said.
Stating that the family undertakes the role of a bridge between the individual and the society in bringing cultural identity and values to new generations and transferring social consciousness, Dr. Nihan Kalkandeler said that it is important to what extent social consciousness is at the center of life for family members.
Relationships of couples also take their share from the change.
Expressing that in the new world order, where people are increasingly individualized, the reflections on the society have also been transformed. Nihan Kalkandeler said, “We are losing some of our values. We know that our life is pregnant with change, development and transformations. Of course, this change also affects the family order and the relationships of the couples. It is inevitable that the feeling of love between the married couple will also change. The desired change is for couples to be in a loving, mature, growing and thriving relationship, and this is only possible through mutual effort. As the family ties are strengthened in the home established by the spouses and the feelings of togetherness are supported by an atmosphere of trust and peace, the value of the sharing of love and relationships between them increases. The magic word here is 'share'. It is difficult to preserve the magic of this word. Because sharing means partnership, whereas 'self-centered' individuals, lost in a paradox that ends in individuality, have moved away from the necessities of the word sharing.” made statements.
The effort to be us has tended to exhaustion.
Noting that the interaction between couples is also different today, Dr. Nihan Kalkandeler said, “While women and men made sense of each other's place and position in sharing, for example, in the presentation of the self, women and men chose to highlight each other rather than themselves; In today's interaction order, men and women are only trying to protect their own identities. In other words, we can say that the effort and attempt to become 'us' tend to wear out day by day. As such, the inability of 'you' and 'me' to unite to form 'we' comes to the fore, and the effort to remain a family suffers. The names of the scenes we take part in in our new practices are 'silent marriage' or 'empty shell marriage'.” said.
There are ongoing marriages due to external and internal pressures.
Noting that from time to time, spouses do not feel strong ties to each other, there is a feeling of boredom and loss of emotion, and marriages are seen only due to external and internal pressures. Nihan Kalkandeler said:
“We are talking about couples who choose to stay married because marriages maintained in terms of social acceptance, in other words, divorce will not be welcomed by their close circles, who are estranged from each other and live 'as if they were married', or rather separate individuals and individualized lives. Another example is the marriages that are carried on thinking that if they have children, they will be harmed. Do these examples have the quality to be a model when we consider social norms? It is an inevitable fact for each of us that we tend to precedent situations and receive inspiration from different experiences.”
Silent marriages leap from household to household
Stating that such silent marriages based on individual foundations in our micro environment and the increasing number of examples have now evolved into a macro problem area, Dr. Nihan Kalkandeler said, “This evolution is spreading from one household to another with a contagion. Losing the need to be 'us', and children's getting used to their new normal as 'single-parent' instead of aging in the family brings serious deviations and social anomies. As the norms that embrace society begin to lose, it becomes harder to find positive reflections on society. It is not a matter of keeping two people who cannot get along just to protect social norms together. But if there is a disagreement, if the communication in the family hangs by a thread, it is necessary to use the time correctly to solve the crisis there.” he said.
These recommendations should be heeded.
Referring to what can be done in the fight against this social problem, Dr. Nihan Kalkandeler concluded her words as follows:
“Spending time for each other, being good friends with each other, being willing to share free time together, being willing and diligent in maintaining the bond between them are important factors. Considering that each individual will have their own uniqueness, own story and perspective, it is important to try to accept our spouse, even if he is our life partner, with his own story, not to shape him, to empathize, to make him feel grateful in our words and actions, and to support him. I've left it to the end, but the way to be 'us' is through love, compassion, appreciation and respect. I believe we will not normalize silent marriages as long as couples learn how to respect each other and respect each other's rights, listen to each other and remember the commonality of life.”