Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan warned families against the "little ruler of the house" child types. The child who grows up in a loose discipline environment has a limitless, irresponsible and insatiable character, and the first problems of these children usually appear in the kindergarten period. Children growing up in this style cannot adapt to other friends, do not know how to share and draw attention with their intolerance to criticism. With adolescence, he becomes self-centered and becomes lonely. Because they are intolerant of criticism, they cannot learn, cannot improve themselves, and consuming personalities emerge. Üsküdar University Founding Rector-Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan advises families on the right ways to balance freedom and responsibility in order not to fall into this dilemma.
Managed by parent child who can't say no
Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said that he has seen children reacting in small situations, fighting and throwing things very often lately. “A type of child has emerged who cannot learn personal boundaries in human relations. We started to see the types of children who are under the bombardment of information not only from their parents, but from everywhere and questioning. If the parents are inadequate and cannot learn to say no to the child, the child tries to manage the parents. Today, children try to dominate their parents. This fondness for freedom is a concept presented to us by popular culture. This is what we can call the spirit of the times. We call it the millennium age, we call it the digital generation.” said.
The approach of 'we have suffered, let him not suffer, we have achieved difficult, he may make it easy' is not correct!
Stating that the conception of motherhood has also changed, psychiatrist Tarhan said, “Parents say yes to everything they say in order not to upset the child. The older generations were maturing in poverty. Current generations need to mature in being. It is more difficult to mature in wealth. Parents feel the need to provide their children with more than necessary opportunities in the style of "we suffered, he did not suffer, we made it difficult, he made it easy". When this happens, a generation that has not met poverty emerges. In fact, parents think that it is parenthood not to compare their children with sadness and disappointment. However, both are facts of life and the child needs to learn this.” warned.
If the parents take it easy, the child cannot learn where to stand.
Stating that decisions should be made by sitting and talking within the family, Tarhan said, “It is important to ask the opinion of the child. For example, when you go on vacation. But in the end, the leader is parents. If what the child says is true, it must be followed. In a culture of argument, if the child is right, the parents can justify the child according to their reasoning. On the other hand, because of the child's unreasonable insistence or emotional exploitation, the parents take it easy by saying "don't make a scene, I shouldn't deal with such a problem, I shouldn't try to convince him". In such cases, the child cannot learn the limit and where to stand.” said.
Snowfall modeling in the discipline
Reminding that parents should act with common determination and consistency, Psychiatrist Tarhan said,
“Children who grow up too free are in the act of being spoiled and disrespected. Sometimes he even gets some things by whining and getting offended. He learns this as a problem-solving method. Parents cannot say no to the child by stroking his head. Such family relationships take place in unregulated environments. For example, if the mother says differently, the father says differently, if the mother says it separately in the evening and in the morning, there is inconsistency. For him, situations such as discipline and advice are like snowfall. If it is slow and continuous, it will hold. There is a day like a storm, the next day it will not hold. For this, a stable, disciplined environment must be created. Parents need to know how to say no with their reasons. It is very important for him to offer options instead of giving orders, and to set an example instead of giving advice.” made recommendations.
Praising personality is different, praising behavior is different
Emphasizing that appreciating the child is important for his emotional development, Tarhan said, “It is necessary to praise the behavior stages of the child, not the personality. So when you say to the child, "You are very successful, you are very good, you are the most handsome boy in the world", you label yes. However, if the behavior stages and efforts such as "you are a hard worker, you have tidied your room, you have done your homework" are praised, a reinforcing approach will be shown to the child. If we praise his personality, the child will become selfish, feel great. Such children are closed to change and stubborn, they cannot improve themselves.”
The children of childlike families are insatiable
Sharing his observations that the children of the child-role families are organized according to the rules according to the child and the child is demand-oriented, Tarhan said, “The children of the child-male families, who organize everything according to the child, are insatiable, the child receives love for 2 people and is still not satisfied. These children react when they don't want it, they change friendships frequently, they can't manage their marriage when they get married, they are successful in academic intelligence but fail in emotional and social skills. He does not want to study, after a while, school refusal begins. You look, you have the internet all the time. This goes as far as internet and screen addiction.” described the possible process.
Raising good children is not drowning in knowledge
Tarhan said that the parents project raises children but skips character development and said, “Parents should give importance to the character development as well as the technical and professional development of the child. For character development, it is very important for the child to know where to stand and to be responsible. Every child has responsibilities that are appropriate for their age. Raising good children isn't just about drowning them in information. The main thing is to ensure that the child finds the information himself. Offer the child options. For example, by putting 3-4 T-shirts in front of the child, making one of them more attractive and making him choose one, the parents who give the child a sense of autonomy “I chose it” will not lose control either.” exemplified.
The ideal parent teaches the child internal control
Underlining that the child can learn where to stand in time, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said, “Children can learn when they can speak and when they cannot, depending on the situation, in accordance with their age. But in families that are too suppressed, there is also more internal control. This time, on the contrary, there are children who do not have self-confidence and cannot say 'this is my personality'. While we are trying to fix this, models such as child-patriarchy come into our lives. Making the right choices and making logical decisions is a skill and it is learned later. We should approach it by applying the method of changing attention according to the age of the child. In children between the ages of 0-5, if his attention is changed instead of what he wants, and he moves on to another subject that he is interested in, the child does not learn the method of confrontation with the mother and father. said.
If the child feels that the parents think differently, he uses this difference.
Saying that there are methods of gaining problem-solving skills to the child, the psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan,
“The child needs to learn the balance of freedom and responsibility with the right choices. For example, let's leave a structured free space in the house to the child and let him play and distribute it freely. But collect it again. If you teach every part of the house to do the same thing, then you are teaching lawlessness. Or, he learns how to behave when guests come to the house by observing his parents. It is very important that parents use a common language. If there are differences, he sometimes acts according to what his mother and sometimes his father say, and he uses that difference of opinion.” she said.
The desire-needs balance and the ability to delay gratification should be learned.
Giving an example from working mothers, Tarhan said, “The working mother allows her child to exploit emotions because I could not spare time for the child. She gets everything the child wants, even though she doesn't need it. This time, the need-demand balance is overlooked. The mother should tell the child like a grown-up person, but should not expect great human behavior. In such a situation, the child is taught the ability to delay gratification, such as “Look, we have the same toy in the house, but there is no one, we can get this one, or if you manage to endure right now, I will buy you something bigger tomorrow, we will go there on the weekend”. When the skill of delaying gratification is taught, the child postpones the request in order to achieve a greater desire. These are behaviors that the child can learn, and parents should take time and think about how I can teach my child this skill.” he said.
The child needs parents he can trust and rely on.
Üsküdar University Founding Rector Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan concluded his words as follows:
“The child thinks that his mother is good if he does whatever he wants, whereas the child doesn't need the parents he can manage, but the parents he can trust and lean on. Children naturally want to see strong parents. Parents need to have the skills to say no to the child with reasons. Parents have important duties to raise children who behave rationally, not with enthusiasm.”