Üsküdar University Founding Rector, Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan made important evaluations and recommendations regarding the mother-child relationship and the problems that arise in this relationship.
Stating that the healthy and secure attachment between the mother and the child is reflected in the child's behavior, Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan draws attention to the importance of the mother spending quality time with the child. Stating that under no circumstances should the child be told lies, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan states that separation anxiety from the mother must be overcome. "When the mother goes to work, she will definitely say that she goes to work and that she will return home in the evening," said Prof. Dr. Tarhan said, “Children tell their problems with the language of behavior. Finger sucking, bed-wetting and nail-biting behaviors occur due to anxiety.
Stating that there may be problems in the relationship between mother and child from time to time, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said that the child may have some reactions in this process, as some mothers return to business life, which they took a break due to childbirth.
Children describe their problems in behavioral language
Noting that after the mother starts to work, children can engage in behaviors such as nail biting and cutting the cuticles, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said, “Nail biting is used as a stress reduction technique in old age. When there is anxiety, the brain does this automatically. 4-5-year-old children generally cannot explain their problems verbally, they do so with the language of behavior. For example, don't miss your clothes, cry often, don't come to your mother at night. These reactions indicate that the child's anxiety is high.” he said.
prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan noted that behaviors such as thumb sucking, nail biting, and suffocation can occur even if the child takes an example and says, “The child can choose it as a model. The child may turn to this as a technique to eliminate his unhappiness. It can also reinforce this behavior when it attracts attention.” said.
Separation anxiety from mother should be overcome
Expressing that the child should experience and overcome the separation anxiety from the mother, called "separation anxiety", Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan says, “If a mother goes over a problem in her child, for example, says 'don't bite her nails', the child thinks, 'My mother values me, she loves me'. This is negative interest. It is a method developed by the child to get his mother to take care of him in order to eliminate his loneliness. Here, negative attention is better than indifference. The child may beat himself up, yell at his mother and relax. The greatest trauma is being ignored.” said.
Noting that there is hidden depression behind some behavioral disorders that occur during adolescence, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said, “Adolescent children's ability to express their emotions is not yet developed. He can't say, 'I have a problem, I'm depressed'. 'Why is it broken?' Because they can't analyze, they develop a method to relieve anxiety. They try to get her mother's attention." said.
The mother is the losing party in being stubborn with the child.
Stating that some mothers are hanging around behind the child in the food hand, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said, “The child sees his mother's taking care of him as a game in such situations, namely the struggle of eating and not eating. When the mother is stubborn in such situations, she is often the loser. If the mother makes the child feel that she cares and cares for the child, the child unknowingly focuses on that behavior more. This is called the 'reverse effort rule'. According to this rule, if a group is told 'don't think about the pink elephant', the members of the group will think more the more they try not to think. But here you may not think if you change the focus of attention, the focus of attention. If the mother does not approve of a child's action, instead of saying 'Don't do it', she should say, 'I'm leaving you right now, I can't sit with a child who does such a thing' and make her feel that she doesn't approve of that move.” she spoke.
Stating that negative attention reinforces undesirable behavior, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, “It is important to direct the child to positive behavior.” said.
In spending quality time, the child should rest very well.
Noting that working mothers must spend quality time with their children during the day, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said, “The mother may have to work, but it is very important that she allocates time with the child, which we call qualified, even if it is 5-10 minutes. When there is eye contact, when the child reads something with the child and has him/her tell him/her, these are the times that will give the child the most satisfaction. At these times, for example, it is necessary to read a story to the child, and to listen patiently.” he said.
Susan child becomes social phobic in the future
Stating that some mothers do not listen to the child patiently, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said, “Some mothers talk and talk, the child is silent. In the future, the child becomes socially phobic or has a speech impediment and cannot express himself. However, the child who asks questions is a good child. If he asks questions, the child is learning. It cannot shift it, it does not throw it in. It is necessary to ensure that the child is a child who can talk.” said.
Pointing out that daydreaming is suppressed as a culture in our society, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said, “This is our weak side. We need to change this. If we don't change that, there will be a culture of obedience.” warned.
The child acquires these behaviors as a way of relaxation.
Comparing behavior such as nail biting and thumb sucking to addiction, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan noted that the reward-punishment system in the brain is disrupted in addiction and said, “The child gains this as a way of relaxation. That's how the brain meets the decreased need for serotonin. It turns into an addiction after a while. Addiction is a brain disease. You materially reward the brain center and there is a false comfort. Already now addiction is called the reward deficiency syndrome. In these cases, addiction treatment is not complete without restoring the chemical order in the brain.” said.
Today, trust is essential in education, fear is the exception.
Stating that when the child is forced to do something, a sense of defense awakens. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said, “It is not right to force matters that are not life-threatening. In the classical education system, fear was the main and trust was the exception. Now trust is the rule, fear is the exception. The things to be done by frightening may be in situations where he suddenly jumps onto the road or approaches the stove and puts himself in danger, but it is very harmful to make threats to frighten a 1-year-old child if he misses the toilet.” warned.
The child should not be intimidated by religious concepts.
Stating that there are many risks in frightening the child with religious concepts, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said, “These threats can confuse the child. You cannot correct the child by frightening him. Punishment occurs in exceptional circumstances.” said.
In maternal deprivation syndrome, the child cries constantly
Noting that thumb sucking behavior, which usually occurs in the first period of childhood, is seen in children who are not breastfed. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, “Will there not be oral fixation when a pacifier is given? That's not the point. The child's greatest psychological need is the need for security at that moment. In order for the need for trust to occur, there must be a sense of security in life and a sense of security in the future. What happens in maternal deprivation syndrome? The child cries all the time. It has fear and anxiety. He has childhood depression. When someone approaches him, the child becomes silent, looks to see if his mother is coming, and his mother hugs him, relaxes and his crying gradually decreases. But not his mother, but someone else starts to cry again. It is assumed that the child is doing it on purpose. However, at that moment, the child is doing it to fulfill his psychological, security, loneliness, and love needs.
Noting that the baby's first reaction is to cry as soon as he is born, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said, “When cold air enters your lungs, the comfort of the mother's womb disappears. Now he has to breathe. A person born faces many facts of life. His first emotion is fear, his first reaction is crying and his first relief is when he hugs and breastfeeds his mother. This creates a sense of dispelling fear, receiving love, and building basic trust.” said.
The mother must tell the truth and gain trust.
Noting that if a child does not have a basic sense of trust, the child may give various reactions. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said, “When the mother goes to work or goes to another place, she should mentally prepare the child by saying, 'Look, I will go to work but I will come again'. Even if the child cries or reacts, he will definitely leave by saying goodbye. When he leaves without saying goodbye, the child is again afraid. 'What if my mother doesn't come?' she thinks. Lying undermines trust. The child should never be deceived and should not be lied to. After a while, the child begins to think, 'My mother often lies, so everything she says is not true'. It is necessary to change the focus of attention without lying to the child. Lying becomes the child's personality. As such, the child feels that life is unreliable, people are unreliable, and can be deceived.” he said.
Marriage is a safe haven
Stating that paranoia occurs a lot in the children of mothers who raise their children with lies, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said, “Even if a mother gives love, it cannot be done without trust. Not without honesty. The main feature of the art of cooperation is to stay away from lies. An open, transparent and honest relationship is important on the basis of trust. If there is no honest relationship, there is no continuity. There is no realm of trust. Marriage is not a home of love, it is a home of trust. Love is not enough for a home of trust. There is love, but it is cheating, for example.” said.
Uncertainty creates future anxiety in children
Noting that the process of mother-child individualization and separation in child sucking psychology is not fully overcome, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said, “When the mother says to the child, 'I am going to work now, but I will come again, I have always come', the child learns to wait. The child is also getting endurance training. When the mother comes home from work, she needs to allocate time for the child before starting the chores at home. Uncertainty should be eliminated so that the child does not experience future anxiety. It will be played at that hour, not when the child says, 'Let's play, mom,' but when the mother says, 'We will play at this hour. The mother will keep her word, but she won't get over it just because she doesn't make a sound. If the mother increases spending time with the child, the child's behavior to attract attention changes. she spoke.
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