Specialist Clinical Psychologist Neil Serem Yılmaz, in his statement within the scope of Father's Day on June 20, stated that the father can be evaluated in 3 classes according to his approach to his child, explained the effects of each behavior model on the child, and made important warnings and suggestions.
Problems caused by an uninterested father
When the father does not make the child feel his presence and support, one foot of the child is left empty, he feels incomplete, worthless and inadequate.
For the child, the father represents power. Seeing the power of the father acts as a support and support for the child. Sometimes, children may seem confident and strong from the outside, however, they need to see the power of the father and lean on him in order to grow up and create a power that they can lean on, but the more they see this power and the more they lean on him, the stronger they can feel. They will be able to create a strength within themselves that they can withstand difficulties and shortcomings, and that grows them. When this does not happen, it may be inevitable that they form a structure that is dependent on the other, always seeking support from another, insecure, and gives up quickly in the face of difficulties.
The father is the door to the social world for the child. When the father is not involved in the mother-child relationship, the child and the mother cannot be separated. The child cannot open up to the outside world and has difficulty in establishing social relations. In order for the child to establish social relations, he must first get away from the dependent relationship with the mother, and this can only happen when the child feels the presence of the father. It is possible by seeing that the mother is not with him at all times, and realizing that he shares the mother with the father.
As the father provides the brake function for the child, it provides a space to express his feelings comfortably. When the child does something wrong or is in danger, he knows that the father is there and thus feels free, whereas when the father is not there, the child feels himself in a car without brakes and may hesitate to take action and express his feelings. He may not be able to take action at all, with the fear of making a mistake and not being stopped when he does wrong. He may experience a blockage in the emotional and academic field, and does not take action and take active actions.
A boy acquires his sexual identity through his father. What kind of characteristics the father has, how he treats his mother, and these experiences are very decisive on what kind of man the child will be in the future. If the father is indifferent to the child, the child will see himself as worthless, if he encounters an angry and intolerant father, he will have difficulty controlling his anger in the future. The presence of the father and his attitude towards the son are extremely influential on what kind of man and father the child will be in the future.
The quality of the relationship that the girl will establish with the opposite sex depends on the father's role in this process. If the father ignores the child, a similar dynamic will occur in his relations with the opposite sex when the child makes him feel very harsh, worthless and insignificant.
Problems caused by an over-involved father
Children want to think that they know everything, that they are omnipotent, and may find it difficult to endure the inadequacies of being a child, but in order for children to develop a tolerance for being blocked and to endure negative situations, and to withstand disappointments, they must first encounter some prohibitions and deprivations at home. A child who gets everything he wants so that he does not get upset or cry cannot wait, delay and grow. In order for this capacity to develop, fathers need to impose constructive prohibitions, to learn to wait, not to do whatever they want immediately, and to teach that some things cannot be achieved. The rules are like the brakes of the car, this brake must be provided to the child by the father before the child learns to stop himself.
Although it is a difficult situation for children to be a loser in a game or not to achieve what they want, it is a necessary condition for the child to experience for healthy spiritual development. Sometimes, fathers can be powerless in front of the child so that their children do not feel sad, feel bad or angry. They may knowingly be defeated by the child in the game, act as if they cannot do certain things or say that the children are stronger than themselves. When this is the case, first of all, the child thinks that the father is his peer and does not follow the rules he has set. More importantly, the boy competes with the father, wants to see that he is stronger than the father, but later realizes and accepts the power of the father, so both the spiritual maturation and the rules set by the parents are accepted, but when the father does not take the strong position mentioned here, the child thinks that he is the ruler of the house.
When the father does not provide a brake function to the child when necessary, the child feels emotionally empty, engages in risky actions and behaviors, and may push the limits as if he were at risk. Often in childhood; behavior disorder and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder.
The child, who does not encounter prohibitions and rules at home by his father, also experiences various difficulties in school and social relations. In friendship relations; He wants everything to be as he wishes. He always wants to be in the center and the winner, he wants to rule everyone and dominate everything. Sharing and waiting is quite difficult. They may bully or have tantrums on other children when something happens against their will.
Another area of difficulty is seen at school. A child who cannot postpone his wishes or wait, cannot wait for his turn at school, cannot concentrate in the lessons, and has difficulty in doing his homework. The child, who does whatever he wants at home and does not meet the limits set by the father, has difficulty in complying with the school rules and the teacher's instructions, and often engages in acts that disrupt the classroom order.
Positive effects of involved father
Thanks to a concerned father; The boy learns masculinity and sexual development through his relationship with the father, modeling it on the father. At the age of 3, the boy goes through a period in which he admires the mother and wants to take the place of the father. He competes with his father, he thinks he is stronger than his father. It is extremely important for fathers to stay away from attitudes that will break the child's self-confidence and make him feel worthless. A language that is both supportive and childlike, such as 'you are small now, but you will be able to do it when you grow up', which motivates people to grow up instead of 'what do you understand', 'you can't', and that keeps the father's place in mind, provides important gains for the child in the future as well.
In the development of the girl child; The first male figure a child encounters is the father. Around the age of 3, the girl competes with the mother, wants to take the mother's place and be the father's favorite. It is extremely important for the father to establish the balance between them. In this process, the father, who makes the child feel valuable and important, and protects the mother's place and value in the eyes of the child, prepares his daughter for the future in a healthy way. Thanks to the father, who does not criticize the mother in front of the child, the child; Realizing that she cannot replace a mother, but can be loved by someone like her father when she grows up and becomes a woman like her mother, she comes out of this period with the motivation to grow and mature in a healthy way.
With the presence of the father and his beautiful words such as 'my princess girl', 'my beautiful girl', 'my smart girl', the child finds himself valuable and worthy of being loved. The daughter loved by the father can only be a loved and valued woman in the future. Otherwise, he may form relationships where he is battered and mistreated.
A participatory father, who spends time with his children and deals with their problems, will also share responsibilities with the mother, thus enabling the mother to be more tolerant and understanding towards her children. It reduces conflicts between mother and child.
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